Sociological observations from a coffee shop

Yesterday, I had coffee with one of my best friends, which is something we have done nearly every Sunday for several years and at this particular coffee shop for at least two years. Near the end of our time together, three women came and sat immediately next to us with one of them putting her stuff on our table. I shared the following on both Facebook and Threads, curious what other people thought.

Okay…I’m trying to process what happened at coffee this morning. A friend and I have coffee early every Sunday morning. We’ve gone to the same place almost every Sunday for probably two years. We sit in the exact same spot every week. The place is usually empty and quiet, which is partly why we like it. Occasionally, another person will come in and sit somewhere.

This morning, two women came in and sat at the table RIGHT NEXT to us. I could have reached out and touched one of them on the shoulder. This is similar to going into a large, empty men’s room and choosing one of several urinals and having another man come in and choose the one right next to you even though several others are available.

Then, a third woman came in and joined them at their table for two, sitting on the bench space between the tables and right next to me. She put her stuff on our table. This is like another man coming into the bathroom and standing in between the two men at the urinals and putting his hand on the shoulder of the man he doesn’t know.

Now…remember, the rest of the coffee shop was EMPTY. There were like 10,000 empty tables they could have chosen (okay, maybe 12), even tables that would accommodate three or more people where we would have had enough distance to not be listening to one another’s conversations. They talked and laughed loudly enough that it was distracting. (See diagram below).

Help me to understand. I looked for cameras, so I don’t think we were part of a Candid Camera style TV show. I know this sort of thing probably happens in Europe, but in the US, why would someone choose to sit within touching distance of other customers when there is a huge empty area that could have been used?

I don’t get it.

The responses have been nearly as fascinating to me as the original interaction. A day after posting it, there are over 100 comments on Facebook and nearly 200 on Threads and people continue to comment. As a psychologist, I remain curious about the behavior of these women, about my own behavior, and about the responses people offered. Let me suggest a few categories that stood out to me:

Thoughts about the behavior about the women–There was a wide range of hypotheses about why the women acted the way they did. They were described as potentially rude, clueless, crazy, extraverted, aggressive, friendly, potentially flirtatious/interested in one or both of us, or creatures of habit. Some pointed to the human social tendency toward grouping. Several people were curious as to whether there were environmental reasons for their choice, such as proximity to electrical outlets, windows, or the parking lot. A few people wondered about their ages and how that may have been a factor. One friend suggested they may have been priming us to tell us about their cult. Another raised the possibility that they were setting us up to shoplift or scan our phones. My wife believes they were doing their own psychological experiment.

It seemed that most people acknowledged that they also would have been bothered by their behavior. One explanation I read several times was that they may have been their normal place to sit, which is the idea that made the most sense to me, though honestly I may never know for certain.

Thoughts about my behavior–Several people wondered why we just sat there and didn’t move or did not confront the women. Several suggested that I was entitled to think of it as my space. One person called me graceless, telling me I violated the principles of love and peace. One woman on Threads basically basically told me to shut up and leave the women alone and then deleted her comment. Another suggested that my masculinity is fragile.

Honestly, I think I did nothing because the encounter was so outside of my norm I was flummoxed. I also admitted that I tend to be conflict avoidant and did not want to make a scene. It is definitely something to continue reflecting on, and to think about how I might respond in the future.

Thoughts about how to respond–There was such a huge variety about how to respond ranging from passive to aggressive. Some asked why it bothered me and to just sit there and celebrate being free. Many people suggested picking up and moving to another table, sometimes without comment, though others thought I definitely should have said something or maybe picked up their stuff and brought it with us to a different table. Some thought we should join their conversation. There were a surprising number of people, presumably jokingly, suggesting using rude words or behaviors to drive them away. Several people said “I would have done it this way,” and then proceeded to suggest a course of action (e.g., asking them why they sat so close).

I found myself wondering if the people offering these suggestions would actually do these things. I know that for me, it is often true that what I may think is the ideal behavior in a situation is not always what I actually choose to do.

There was also a small number of people who essentially said, “You are a psychologist, why are you asking us to comment on other peoples’ behavior?” I wrote to one person that I do not possess all knowledge about people and that I find conversation and dialog with others who view things differently to be beneficial.

“Me too” responses–The “me too” responses were some of my favorites. People shared (often humorous) examples of ways in which others have encroached on their space, whether at a coffee shop, in a movie theater, in a parking lot, on a beach, or at a comedy club. Two of my favorites include one woman who had an elderly couple doing naked yoga right next to her on an empty beach and another woman who was sitting with her spouse in an empty comedy club and being asked to move to a different spot by a couple who wanted their seats. People obviously related to what I wrote about.

There was a subset of these responses from women who pointed out that this sort of things happens to them frequently and that it was good to turn the tables. I could not agree more. I am appreciative of their words as well as the opportunity to reflect on what this must be like for many of them.

Comments about my assumptions about Europe–In the second to last paragraph, I made the off-handed comment that “this sort of thing probably happens in Europe.” Several people, especially on Threads challenged my statement, while others agreed with me. One of my favorite tongue-in-cheek responses came from a friend in Greece who commented, “I thought in the US, you just put your revolver on the table next to you, giving them a look and they get the message.”

What I recognized was that I homogenized an entire continent with vastly different people. It challenged me to ask how I arrived at my conclusion and recognizing that I formed a stereotype with incomplete information, which is typical of stereotypes we all hold. I am also aware that we all brought our own cultural biases into how we understood this situation. The challenge, for me at least, is to step outside of my conditioning in order to understand how others may see it.

Overall, I found it be a fascinating opportunity for self-reflection. Why was it so bothersome to me? Why did I not get up and move, or even ask them about their behavior? What assumptions do I have about “normal” behavior and how does my culture influence those assumptions? Where did my stereotypic assumptions about Europeans come from and why? Am I able to learn from others by hearing their stories and putting myself in their shoes?

2023 Top Ten Books

For at least part of 2023, I found it difficult to get motivated to read, which is unusual for me. As of today, December 19, I have read 89 books, which is fewer than normal for me, but still gives me a number of options for top ten list. I have always had a clear preference for non-fiction books, but my list this year contains all non-fiction–more accurately a mix of memoir, poetry, and non-fiction. I decided not to rank them this year because as I looked over my list, there was not an obvious order. I loved each of the books on this list.

Think Again by Adam Grant–Grant is an organizational psychologist and popular professor. In his book Think Again, he wrote about our willingness to explore our own ways of thinking with humility and to consider whether there may be different, better ways of understanding. If you’ve spent much time around me, you’ve heard me talk about the 3 questions: 1) What do you mean by that?, 2) How did you come to that conclusion, and 3) Is it possible I’m wrong? Think Again is a book length exploration of question 3.

We won’t have much luck changing other people’s minds if we refuse to change ours.-Adam Grant

The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté–Gabor Maté is one of the world’s experts in the area of trauma. In this book, he pushes back on a lot of our Western ideas about illness and healing. It is a long book, but each chapter could stand on its own, and each is well worth reading.

Although modern medicine’s focus on the individual organism and its internal processes isn’t wrong as such, it misses something vital: the pivotal influence of the mental, emotional, social, and natural environments in which we live. Our biology itself is interpersonal.-Gabor Maté

See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love by Valarie Kaur–If someone pinned me down and asked me for my top book of the year, I would pick See No Stranger. In a society that is increasingly divided by religious, political, and cultural lines, Kaur’s message is necessary. The subtitle, “memoir and manifesto,” is exactly right. She explores her own experiences as a Sikh-American woman, using those experiences as well as those of others, in suggesting a way of love. This book brought me to tears multiple times and filled me with hope as to what could be.

I refuse to let anyone belittle my soul, or diminish my own expansive sense of self. The more I listen, the less I hate. The less I hate, the more I am free to choose actions that are controlled not by animosity but by wisdom. Laboring to love my opponents is how I love myself.-Valarie Kaur, See No Stranger

Soul Boom: Why We Need a Spiritual Revolution by Rainn Wilson–Better known for playing Dwight Schrute on The Office, Wilson is surprisingly thoughtful writer. Although he considers himself to be a part of the Bahai faith tradition, Soul Boom is not an apologetic for Bahai, but an encouragement toward a healthier spirituality regardless of tradition. He writes an often humorous, always engaging style asking questions that I wish more people would ask of themselves and the world in which we live.

When most people think of spiritual tools for change, growth, and finding peace, they think of themselves working internally to increase serenity, perspective, and wisdom. In contemporary American culture, we rarely view a spiritual path as having much, if anything, to do with the peace, serenity, and wisdom of the totality of humanity–Rainn Wilson

Slug: And Other Things I’ve Been Told to Hate by Holly McNish– Slug may be described as a poetic memoir by the excellent British author touching largely on issues related to femininity and modern culture. Provocative to be sure (fair warning to any potential readers. she talks openly and frankly about things like sex and human bodies), McNish writes about deeper societal issues in a way that touches the heart. The poem below was my first exposure to her poetry.

Testimony: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Failed a Generation by Jon Ward– Testimony is the first of two books on my list from former members of Sovereign Grace Church. In this book, Ward writes about growing up in religious conservativism and with a father committed to political action. Ward writes about his movie from religious fanaticism and “hardcore Calvinism” to becoming a Trump critic. Notably, he is a senior political correspondent for Yahoo! News, though he previously worked with outlets as wide-ranging as Tucker Carlson to the Huffington Post. I appreciated his political insight, personal reflection, and ongoing work to navigating conflict, even with his family.

I think fundamentalism is this desire to put answers out of reach of questioning. I think one of the icebreaking statements for me has been a very simple one, it’s just: ‘I could be wrong.’ I’ve embraced that over the years and it’s been so liberating in many ways.-Jon Ward

Curveball: When Your Faith Takes a Turn You Never Saw Coming by Pete Enns–I’ve read several books by Pete Enns and this is my favorite so far. Following the theme of memoir, Enns shares the story of his maturation as a theologian. He previously served as a faculty member at the conservative Westminster Seminary, but he was let go when some of his ideas conflicted with the school. Thankfully, he continues to write and share about the Bible through books and the popular podcast, The Bible for Normal People, which he cohosts with Jared Byas. In Curveball, Enns put words to a lot of my own wrestling.

If having faith means holding on to certainty, when certainty is under “attack,” your only option as a good Christian is to go to war – even if that means killing your own.- Pete Enns

Democracy Awakening: Notes on the State of America by Heather Cox Richardson– Richardson is a history professor at Boston College, where she specializes in the Civil War and the Reconstruction Era. As an American historian, she possesses a unique vantage on the current state of America. She explores variables that have signaled warning in the past and how many of those things can be seen in our current political climate. Her words are challenging, but necessary.

While Republicans since the 1980s have insisted the symbol of the United States is the whitewashed American cowboy who dominated the West with manly individualism, in fact the key to survival in the American West was family and friends: kinship networks, trading partners, neighbors who would show up for a barn raising. Working together, across racial lines, ethnic lines, gender lines, and age lines, was what enabled people to defend their rights against a small group of elites determined to keep control of the country.― Heather Cox Richardson

When Religion Hurts You: Healing From Religious Trauma and the Impact of High Control Religion by Laura Anderson–As soon as I finished this book, I knew that I would go back and read it again in the future. There are many good books that explore trauma in general (see The Myth of Normal above) and religious trauma in particular, but Anderson’s book is one of the best I have come across. She discusses some of her own history and also provides examples from others with whom she has worked. She provides very practical strategies for coping with some of the post-traumatic reactions that can occur.

A marker of healing from religious trauma is not simply the process of deconstructing one’s worldview and identity and rebuilding a new one; it is also the willingness to remain open to shifting and changing over the course of one’s life.-Laura Anderson

The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife by Shannon Harris–The Woman They Wanted joins Testimony as books written by former members of Sovereign Grace. Harris was the wife of popular author and pastor, Josh Harris, who wrote, among other things, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (a book he has since renounced and stopped publishing). Shannon tells the story of the loss of self under the teaching and mentorship of CJ Mahaney (the founding pastor at SG) and other leaders at the church; however, this book also discusses the ongoing reclamation of her selfhood and her femininity. Like many of the books on this list, it may not be for everyone, but I am one who is glad she shared her story.

If your world crumbles because you have started to value or believe yourself, then let it, because it means that you were the only one holding it up. let it go. It is the only way a more supportive universe can emerge in its place.-Shannon Harris

there’s still hope

When I was growing up
I came to believe
truth mattered
kindness mattered
love, neighborliness, goodness, teamwork
all mattered.

These days
none of these things seem to matter.
Only power.
Maybe that is how it always was
and I was too naive to see.

But in those days
hope also mattered
and so I will continue to hope
not in power seeking
but in love.

what is love?

If you follow me on social media, you know I revisit the concept of love regularly. Even at the top of this blog, my logo reads, “Love up, love down, love in, love out.” Love is the answer for most of what ails us individually, relationally, and societally. However, it is also true that I can be vocal about issues I am passionate about. Typically, conversations around these issues lead to fruitful dialog, but at other times, people can become upset.

A few times, friends have commented that, on the one hand, I proclaim a message of “love everybody,” but on the other hand, I can be critical, which they see as hypocritical or at least inconsistent with love. I awoke at 4:45 this morning thinking about this objection (doesn’t everyone wake up in the wee hours of the morning thinking about things like this?). Is it unloving to voice criticisms? I don’t think so.

Here’s the thing: Love does not imply tolerance of injustice. It doesn’t mean pretending that all viewpoints are equally acceptable. It doesn’t mean overlooking evil. That’s indifference, not love. In my opinion, if someone is using dehumanizing language, the most loving thing to do is to call it out. This week, there were pictures of Nazi protestors waving flags with swastikas a block from the Holocaust Museum. To act as though this racist worldview is equal to all others is not loving. Suppose a politician uses divisive language and name-calling to describe his political opponents. In that case, pretending that his behavior is acceptable is not loving. Indeed, it seems that the most responsible, loving behavior is to speak out on behalf of those who may not have a voice.

Because I do value love, I speak out. I certainly don’t do it perfectly; I have sometimes felt convicted about my tone and have apologized or corrected what I’ve said. I always try to operate from the assumption that I could be wrong, but knowing that I could be wrong doesn’t imply that all views are equally correct and valid. I still believe dialog is beneficial; unfortunately, I have sometimes asked to talk with people whose opinions differ, and they tell me it isn’t worth it. And so I will continue writing about the importance of love and speaking out about those things that seem contrary to it. The voice and actions of real love- not tolerance, avoidance, or equivocating- promise the greatest hope of healing. 

avoiding toxicity

In places across the United States and Canada this summer, we received frequent air quality warnings because of the massive Canadian wildfires. On the bad days, the smoke was visible in the air. Lungs and eyes burned if we spent much time outside. Other days, the air looked better, but the warnings still came. Breathing the toxic air isn’t good for any of us, but those with compromised lungs were especially at risk.

Throughout my life, my relationship with food has been inconsistent. I meet diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder, which means I have periods in which I feel out of control and will eat a much larger amount of unhealthy food than most people would in a similar time frame (6000+ calories in a day). When I am eating poorly, my body feels terrible, but when I consistently make healthier food choices, I feel much better. The toxicity of sugar has been a real thing for me and I function better–physically and mentally–if I avoid sweets altogether. Some people have no problem regulating their intake of sugar; I’m not one of them.

But toxicity can also affect our relationships. Some people fail to respect our boundaries. The way some people engage in sarcasm, name calling, and bitterness can cause our minds and bodies to react in unhealthy ways. Sometimes, we do not recognize these triggers, we just know we don’t feel right. And, to be clear, this is about more than simple difference of opinion; rather, it is the manner in which those opinions are carried and expressed.

I think it is good and healthy for us to engage with people who think and believe differently than we do. In disagreement, I’ve often utilized the 3 questions¹: 1) What do you mean by that?, 2) How did you come to that conclusion?, and 3) Is it possible I’m wrong? I have learned a lot from others who have believed differently than I have, particularly when we both come with curiosity and humility.

However, we sometimes come to believe that we must associate with everyone who would have us as friends. Christians hear that Jesus met with lots of people with whom he disagreed, so we should do the same (he also told his disciples to be willing to shake the dust from their feet)². We also hear that if we set boundaries in relationships that we may drive people away from Jesus, risking their eternal souls, so we should accept poor behavior with a smile. Last week, in counseling, I used the phrase “pathological niceness” to describe what seems to be an unhealthy way of relating–entirely ignoring ourselves while sacrificing our own needs to others. We disregard what our bodies tell us because we are supposed to be “nice.”

But here’s the thing: we cannot be friends with everyone, though we can be respectful. We can be close with only a handful of people. Like our food, like our air, it is wise to ask if our primary relational inputs are healthy or toxic. Are the people whose voices are the strongest nourishing us, both when they are encouraging us and when they are challenging us? Toxic relationships not only harm our self-image, but also impair our ability to relate with others in a healthy way. In contrast, beneficial relationships are life-giving and make us better.

1. The first two questions come from Greg Koukl’s Tactics. ↩︎
2. Matthew 10:14 ↩︎

she’s listening

She’s listening.

When your condemnations
ring out like clanging cymbals
and self-righteous certainty
resounds from your lips and fingertips.

You attack, and pretend it’s love;
you mock who she is
and laugh at your own cleverness.

and still she’s listening.

You claim to love the sword of truth.
You swing it about wildly
proudly
slicing and hacking
with no thought to the damage.

God says, “Beat your swords into ploughshares,”
but your hate-filled words answer back,
“Just one more pound of flesh.”

and still she’s listening.

When one day you set your sword in the grass
and wipe away the blood…her blood
and try to tell her “God loves you.”

She won’t be listening.

Why I sometimes criticize the church

I was pondering my personal church history this morning. In my 50 years, I’ve lived in four states and seven different communities. In that time, I considered myself a “member” of seven congregations and have been more peripherally involved with others. These churches have been Reformed, Presbyterian, Baptist, Lutheran, Quaker, non-denominational, and evangelical. Most of these congregations appeared to be relatively healthy when I attended. Every community has issues, and churches are no exception. Still, during my time in these spaces, I have loved the people and the pastors with whom I was privileged to worship. I may now differ from many in theological or social conviction, but I still consider several of them my friends.

In contrast, one congregation–one denomination–I was involved with was unhealthy at the root and engaged in many harmful practices. While I was a part of it, I developed many unhealthy patterns, irreparably damaging some of my closest friendships. Even this church was not entirely bad. For all the good churches out there, there are bad ones too. Recent series like Shiny Happy People, The Secrets of Hillsong, and The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill highlight some of the more visible abuses, but there are far more that occur every day in America. 

I have been critical of several aspects of the American church in recent years. People who have known me over time wonder how someone for whom the church has been a central part of life for decades can now be critical, especially when my personal church experience has been generally positive. A metaphor may help. Imagine you discover that you have cancer in your left foot. On the one hand, you could say, “My right foot works just fine. It helps me walk. I can even kick a ball. And what about my hands? They are amazing! My hands let me build, comfort, and create. They do so many amazing things!” These statements would be factual. On the other hand, your left foot would still have cancer, and without adequately diagnosing and treating it, it will kill you. You say, “But the foot is only a small part of the body. Look at the good the rest of the body does.” All I can say in response is, “The cancer is killing you.”

Reformers have appeared repeatedly throughout the history of Christianity. During his earthly ministry, Jesus showed what love and grace looked like, but he also confronted toxic religious beliefs. Paul confronted Peter. For thousands of years, unpopular prophets have been vocal when religious people lose their way. The same is true today. Many of us deconstructors, ex-vangelicals, post-evangelicals, or spiritually uncertain people who have criticized elements of Christianity in recent years aren’t questioning and attacking the church because we hate Jesus but because what we see happening doesn’t look like Jesus. We see the repeated scandals, hypocrisy, and power-seeking and think this isn’t what we thought the church was supposed to be. Our churches taught us that character matters and that love conquers all. Still, the repeated abuses make us question if our churches ever believed these things. In many cases, I suspect Jesus would agree.

So, for pastors and leaders who are doing the good and humble work of seeking to love widely and deeply, please keep it up. Thank you for being healthy hands and feet. But know this: the cancer isn’t going away by ignoring it and the church will always need those willing to say, “We are sick.”

Semper Reformanda.

returning home

Each of us possesses an inner light
in bodies that have carried us
and cared for us
from the beginning
but rather than letting the soft glow
of that beacon guide us
we live from places 
far outside of ourselves
     from ideas and doctrines
     from impressions and judgments
made by those far removed from our our hearts
and it has made us less human, less whole. 
Let us return home 
to the kindness and wisdom of ourselves.

What is Facebook for?

Facebook has approximately 3 billion users world wide. That’s a lot of people. Not surprisingly, there are innumerable reasons we come to Facebook. Facebook is used for connection, business, distraction, hatred, and humor. Every one of us likely has a slightly different reason for using Facebook. I’m not certain how long I’ve been on Facebook, but probably about 15 years and I have changed in many ways over that time.

So what are some of the reasons I use Facebook? First, connection. I am grateful that I am able to stay in touch with people who I otherwise wouldn’t hear from regularly including high school and college friends as well as certain family members. I also have developed friendships with people from around the world, which provides a broader cultural perspective. Second, I come for the comedy. Regularly, people will share humorous memes and videos with me, and I will in return. Recently, I look forward to my friend Chris’s “Dad Joke of the Day” videos to bring a smile. Third, I appreciate the encouragement and seek to encourage others. I suspect many people would agree with me in these.

On the other hand, I sometimes share hard things, controversial things, things that may make people squirm a little bit. Usually, when I share posts with some edge to them, it comes out of my own wrestling and desire to grow. I don’t even necessarily agree with these posts. Because I feel some connection with my Facebook “friends,” I am grateful for the dialog, even when people disagree with me. Some of the most beneficial and exhausting posts have been of this sort.

In the mid-90s, I co-authored a paper with a former mentor titled, Imagination, Exploration, and Compulsion: Discovery and the Loss of Self Through the Internet, which was nearly a decade before Facebook or Twitter were on the scene. One thing that Internet communities can lead to is presenting false narratives and, ironically, disconnection. When I share things that are difficult or challenging, they often arise out of my desire to continue to do inner work and to press into who I am and into who I am becoming. I share these things because I know that many other people experience these same questions, desires, and longings. I am grateful for dialog partners, but I also respect those who don’t come here to wrestle.

I guess I want my Facebook page to be a place of humor, but not mockery; of dialog, but not diatribe; of connection, but not divisiveness; of encouragement, and not attack; of questions before answers. Maybe Facebook isn’t a great place for this sort of thing, but I am out here doing the best I can, trying to be as truly “me” as I can be. If you have questions about where I am, please reach out. I don’t promise to have satisfactory answers, but I will gladly share a glimpse of my journey as I hope you will share yours.

we are changed by confrontation

In my own life, I have given hundreds of retreats and thousands of sermons. I know that when I talk, people sometimes get new ideas and they sometimes even get inspired. But they don’t often get converted, they aren’t really changed. It takes more than words to do that. What converts people are real-life situations. What changes people are confrontations, looking at something they don’t want to deal with straight in the face, or looking at life from a new vantage point. Observe your point from an honest perspective. Change your viewpoint every now and then, and stand in another pair of shoes looking back at yourself. How else will you ever get free? It is essential for human empathy. It is necessary, or we remain largely narcissistic and trapped in our own ego and culture. This is probably the core meaning of religious pilgrimage, which requires that you leave home.

Richard Rohr
From Wild Man to Wise Man